Another New Year.

I categorically hate New Years Eve, I have to say. For the most part it is another excuse to drink to much, be too loud, kiss lots of people and let off far more fireworks than are really necessary, if ever fireworks were necessary at all. Yeah, I know, bah humbug! LOL
I just dont like it. What I also dont like is the fact that as you enter a new year, that's another year gone. Its hit me hardest with Nathan this year. It makes me sad that he isn't here for New Years Eve, and its silly because he drives me insane and often I like when he isn't here . He wasn't here last year either but this year he has been gone since 27th December and wont be back until the 2nd of January - he isn't one of those boys who thinks to call his Mama who misses him. Nope, he is a typical Aspie boy who is living his life without thinking of others -  like all teenage boys really. I should be glad really because 5 years ago I couldn't see this moment at all. I couldn't see his independence, or his ability to catch buses, to stay away from his room(his 'safe place') or to be able to attend a smart attire only New Years Eve party. Im so proud of him, I really am. But I miss him.
Today whilst my grown up boy is off enjoying a party, Im a sad lady tucked up in bed, exhausted after nursing a sick Lucas for the last 48 hours. His cold isn't better, it seems worse in fact, and for the last two nights I've hardly slept and all he has wanted to do is breastfeed and sleep. All I want to do is sleep too, and I know I'll be asleep before the New Year reaches us. I am not even going to make resolutions this year as they are such a waste of time. This year I am just going to go with the flow because the flow is sweeping me along anyhow so I may as well just allow myself to enjoy the ride. That means no more neurotic planning and organising, at least for a little while.
My eyes are drooping and I need to sleep. All that remains to do is to wish everyone a Happy New Year, may this year be filled with happiness and may you be richly blessed.

Its That Time Of Year Again...

As usual with the decorations down, the blog made over and Christmas food mostly eaten we have entered that post-Christmas-pre-New Year limbo. I always kind of feel like I am hanging around and waiting for life to commence again during this rather odd time of year. Usually I begin my planning and tend to wax lyrical about how different my year is going to be be and all the great things we'll do. This year I am not going to bother because, lets face it, there is going to be little that works out the way I want it too this year. Or probably any time in the near future.

This year for me saw a lot of sadness and happiness, lots of secrets and surprises, lots of letting go and holding on. I have made new friends and let go of old, I have learnt lots of things about myself and others and I have had to be very self sacrificing to stand a chance of making it though. I sometimes dont feel like I can do one more hour and yet somehow I get through the days and weeks. I am less complete but more grown up than I was, and I learnt that doing the right thing isnt always the same as doing what I want.

In 2011
Nathan made it through his GCSEs and into college
Abi got a C in her English exam.
And finally conquered maths.
Emma finally found some interests and took up reading
Seb's behaviour improved and he learnt fundamentally how to read
Lucas was born
DH got very busy with work and employed a worker.
I only managed to achieve one of the things on my list this year, which was my 101 things. Art, Learning and Time Out are definite no's and Im still working on the others.

For 2012
I still want that contentment. I still want to feel at peace with my life and my decisions. I still want to not want things I cant have. I just need to accept the now, forget the what ifs, if onlys, and maybes and just hold on to what I am lucky enough to have received.
I also want this year to be one where I stop feeling I have to apologise for who I am. All I ever seem to do is say sorry; Sorry for home schooling, sorry for breastfeeding, sorry for NOT breastfeeding, sorry for being a Christian, sorry for not being Christian enough. Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, arghhhhhhhh! I dont want to keep that up.

For my family I want:
DH to continue to have enough work and to figure out how to move forward with it.
Nathan to settle down a bit and take more responsibility.
Abi to get through her exams and into Kingston Maurwood
Emma to stop avoiding work.
Seb to really read properly
Lucas to crawl/walk!!!! ( I feel mobility may be the key to his happiness, and therefore mine)
Money would be nice too :)

May everyone get what they want this year xx

Christmas at 'Hotel Stanbury'

'Hotel Stanbury' is a phrase used by my friend V who used to frequent our house when her daughter attended Uni in Exeter. (Oh I miss those days!)  When she stayed she would be a fabulous help at entertaining whichever little person required it, I was reminded of it because my parents have been particularly good at that too this year.

So Christmas for us was exactly as I hoped it would be over all- it was marred by Lucas being ill beginning Christmas Eve and continuing even now.  On Christmas Eve We spent about an hour in the afternoon getting the food ready for the Christmas dinner. I love to eat the big Christmas Eve as it kind of marks the start of Christmas and goes with the afternoon of cooking whilst supping mulled wine (or mulled apple juice in my case.) Nathan finally found his way home just in time for dinner after being AWOL for 6 days. We had our dinner followed by Christmas Pudding then the kids watched festive TV. I had a horrendous night of Lucas screaming and being very poorly.

Christmas day almost started at 1am when Seb woke and came in to us. He wouldn't settle in our room and DH ended up in his bed with him. Emma was also milling around at around 1 and 'couldn't sleep'. In the end everyone got back to sleep but were all still awake at around 6am and present opening commenced at 7am!We paused part way through opening to cook breakfast (bacon, egg, mushroom, pancakes - yum!) then finished opening before starting to assemble everything Seb had. Being Lego it took nearly all day! We cooked some buffet foods late afternoon and then people picked throughout the day. Lucas wouldn't touch his presents and we couldn't raise a smile at all. Everyone else seemed very happy with their toys though which was mainly books and weights for Nathan, DVDs and clothes for Abi, crafts and clothes for Emma, and Lego and DS/wii games for Seb. Lucas got lots of toys from PlayMerrily including rattles, bath toys and a beloved toy monkey. They each received £85 so were very impressed with that. Abi, Emma, Seb and Lucas saved theirs whilst Nathan added it to some saved money and bought a PS3.
Boxing Day was a first for me because I DIDN'T take the decorations down. But then I was pre -occupied with Lucas. In the morning we nipped out to get Nathan's PS3 as I said.Then we headed home for lunch. By late afternoon we could bare Lucas' upset any longer and took him to the walk-in centre to have him checked over. The Dr we were lucky enough to see was wonderful, really explained everything he was doing and what was wrong - ear infection, cold and viral cough -  and was happy to listen to all my worries and happily looked at each issue to rule them out. Not an awful lot to be done for it though. No antibiotics, just calpol, but we had an answer at least. I also bought a breast pump as my milk was quickly declining because Lucas refused to feed.
Today we DID take the decorations down because I know once DH took my parents home it would be hard to get it done with just DH and I. We also bought a(nother) car today. I know, dont say it, blame DH!!!!! A Renault Espace which we pick up on 2nd Jan. Long time readers know all about DH tendency to buy cars which drives me mad. Hope I can drive it now. Other than that Lucas needed lots of TLC still, the kids played on the Wii and we pottered around doing not a lot.
And that was Christmas :)

Merry Christmas

Well all the houses are done and displayed, presents wrapped and kids in bed. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas.

Nearly Time

So the mince pies are bought. Yes I said bought!! Along with pre-prepared roast potatoes, the meat which is defrosting and the Tesco Christmas pudding. All delivered today and stuffed into cupboards so that we can have an easy Christmas. All the presents have arrived except one final present which has failed to be delivered by Amazon -Bad Amazon, I am not impressed. Still, it has one final day to make its appearance.
We are doing Christmas dinner tomorrow night which we have done for several years. We would eat dinner, drink mulled wine then I would go to Christmas Mass. I love Christmas Mass and find it so magical and thoughtful. This year I rather suspect I am not going to Christmas Mass as Lucas is unlikely to want to go. Next year though!
We have been doing our advent calendar from Activity Village and tomorrow once finished I will photograph them all in their glory for all to see :) We have baubles and candles to decorate tomorrow too, flan to make and Christmas Dinner to get through.

So I guess you could say I am ready for the festive season to begin :)

Re-caps

Another little recap of what we've been doing is in order I think, if Lucas stays asleep long enough!
On Thursday we had a slow morning then went over to Wincanton to deliver our cards and say hi.
Friday was a rather busy day. DH actually took the day off work ( I know, Im still in shock) so he could come to HEY. We nipped to Tesco to grab the food we wanted then home to pick up cards before heading out to HEY and getting ready for our production of The Gruffalo. It was never going to be a serious production, no one is that kind of person that would organise it. But we did dress up, practice and make sets for the play. We invited several families to come if they would like and we had four turn up. It went well and there was food afterwards - lots of fun. I was flagging by the end though.
Saturday was felt like a long day. DH left for work at 7. I left the house at 8.15am, drove around delivering cards then posted card, and had to get all the kids to Wincanton by 10am then home again. After a couple hours at home I had to head out at 1pm, pick up the kids from Wincanton then drive home again. (60 miles in all!!!)Then it was a long afternoon until DH got home at 4. Lucas also got sick again. Apparently this cold seems to come and go a few times before it clears.
On Sunday DH cleaned windows, my car and pressure washed the front of the house which was seriously dirty after nearly a year of weathering (and the odd egg throwing that occurred). Other than that I started sniffling with the cold too.
Monday and Tuesday were really hard as DH was gone 7 -6 and Lucas was particularly sickly and we were all miserable. Tuesday afternoon we did have a visit from R and her kids for an hour. I just wish my son slept more because I spend far too often in that vague, spaced out state and I hate it.
Later on today Lucas, Seb and I are off to Devon for a couple days and then are bringing my parents back with us. Hopefully the drive will be ok as I haven't driven that far since the small person arrived. Right, must get some sleep before he wakes again.

Dreary.

Its been a dull dreary day here and left us all feeling a bit flat. DH and I had a falling out the night before so weren't speaking this morning - the lack of communication was not a good way of achieving anything on my to-do list though. He woke late, didn't do half the jobs on the list then had to rush off to work.
Lucas was a proper misery guts all day and got on my nerves quite frankly. He is just so frustrated with everything right now. He wants to hold/reach/touch things and screams when he cant. Now he can roll over he wants to crawl which isn't going so well. He rolls onto his front, slings his arms backwards, pushes onto his knees then moves along face first - funny to watch but uncomfortable for him. He can sort of sit but he screams because his toys dont do what he wants them too, and he likes to stand but hates that he cant walk. He is just so eager to get going.  He made us laugh tonight in the bath though because he was sucking the rubber duck like a pacifier - he was very cute.
I discovered I didn't need to have the Father Christmas conversation with the kids after all as Abi told me that the girls piano teacher had told all last Saturday. Not sure Im happy about that but, well, it saves me the job. They are happy to play along though and Abi did say that even though she knows, she still likes to listen for sleigh bells on Christmas Eve. It led to a nice conversation about the spirit of Christmas so it was good.
Seb, Lucas and I nipped to Tesco this morning in between sleet showers and picked up a few bits and pieces then it was home and I walked with Lucas whilst the kids watched Incredible Journey (the original) which got the thumbs up from them because it made them cry. O-k-a-y, weird children!! Lucas finally crashed out at 2 and slept till 5 but it didn't stop him screaming and stropping from 5-8. DH took Seb to his Beavers Christmas party whilst I ....yep, you guessed it, walked with Lucas. I finally bathed him at 8 and he is now sound asleep beside me.Peace! (well for an hour or so, anyway)

Tis The Season...

So its that time of year again. Thankfully after a brief time a few years ago Christmas was being advertised in August the media are back to holding off until around October time. Once started though there is no stopping them. I think the advert I hate most right now is the new Toys R Us advert "I wanna be a Toys R Us kid" Im loathe to share it but I want you to know why I hate it.
 
Seb loves this advert and tells me that seeing it makes him want to be a Toys R Us kid. And being the stubborn pigheaded wilful determined type that he is,no amount of discussion of fat cat corporations or media hype will dissuade him from his stance. Of course every parent in the land is faced with these potential Toys R Us kids and it's hard not to feel obliged to make their dreams come true at Christmas Time. Im just as guilty of encouraging it as the next person. In years gone by when the Argos/Index/Tesco book came out each August I would sit with each of the kids in turn whilst they repeated that well known mantra "I want..." and I dictated their festive request narrations onto paper. Then as every parent does, I strived to get most, if not all, the things on the lists because THIS was the way to make them happy.
And it doesn't stop there! You also have those delightful festive cooking programmes from the likes of Delia and Nigella which show you have to have THE perfect Christmas meal. You of course know that to do this you must buy 6 types of meat, provide at least 7 choices of veg, and finish with a home made Christmas pudding which you should have made in July. And if you don't do that you FAIL!!! Those Christmas adverts tell you the best place to shop is Tesco/Asda/Sainsburys - Hell, anywhere, as long as you buy all those expensive 'special' foods that you NEED for Christmas.
And to do all these things and create that Christmas you must take out a loan, (at 187% interest APR if you read the small print), which you can then pay back over 5, 10 or 15 years and its ok because you have the ability to add to it each year. Yay! And maxing out your credit cards is no problem at all because you can just transfer them at 0% interest for the whole year so spend what you like because THAT is how to make a perfect Christmas.

**Sigh**

Gradually the materialism that I had somehow been gripped by (bearing in mind I have never been like that till the last 10 years) slipped away and I realised that I didn't want that for us. So we stopped getting any catalogues and tried to encourage the muting of adverts where possible and the ignoring of the I wants (Clearly it doesn't stop every request - see above) but it has helped immensely. So I started saying what would you like and more and more they would say "I dont know". The trend has been towards books-Nathan, craft - girls, and Lego - Seb. It makes buying easier and this year has been even better- all the kids requested one or two things each. Emma even went as far as to say "oh I like it when you surprise me, probably crafts or books or something". We think we'll keep her! 
And even better, this year we have done it all with no credit at all. Even with DH starting his own business, we haven't borrowed for anything business related and we are are determined to extend this to all areas of our life. I think a lot of good has come from DH burning lots of credit bridges because now he has to manage his money. This has extended to Christmas too and we have just found a way to manage.
Food is the other potential fail point and Im making it easy this year. Our dinner works best if we eat Christmas Eve. We prepare potatoes in the morning, Aunt Bessie kindly donates carrot/swede mash, roast parsnips and Yorkshire puddings, we do pre-packed sprouts, gravy from a packet and a Tesco basic Christmas pudding(due to there being no milk). Christmas day starts with pancakes (we cook and freeze them at an earlier date or just freeze the batter until needed) then we have an all day buffet which only involves sticking pizzas, chips,  mini sausages and a few spring rolls in the oven. There are no expectations so no let downs, we dont do the big family dinner and this year we aren't even doing "must-see-every-friend-I-have-and-deliver-cards/presents" either; very few people are getting cards and even fewer are getting presents. This year its about us as a family, enjoying each others company, eating nice easy food, and for me remembering why I celebrate the season.

Coughs and Sneezes (and other things)

Among others things its that time of year again when colds are rife. Having said that, with a family of seven its always that time of year! Lol. Lucas bless him has his first cold and isn't a good patient. I've been awake over 45 hours and I think I'm running on pure adrenalin now. On top of which with him off food again and snacking every 1/2hr I'm having a small(but manageable) breast milk crisis so am back to pumping again.

Emma has also come down with it quite badly, Abi less so but still ill and I seem to be doing best of all so far with only light sniffles. DH/Nathan/Seb seems to have escaped it I hope. Meanwhile Seb seems to have developed a weird athletes foot type infection on his eyelid!!!

We decided to walk to Abi's hospital appointment today not because I wanted the exercise, no, it was purely so the baby would shut up for two minutes, bless him. Twenty actually, it was heaven. Abis appointment went well.  She has been diabetic for 5 years and finally I feel like I am reasonable ok with it now. She was their star pupil once again and managed a fabulous long range blood result (7.8)Yay!

We managed to get our Christmas Decorations up last Monday and I am reasonably impressed with them. I have a rather odd desire to have twinkly lights all over the house this year and have succeeded to a reasonable extent. I have discovered the more modern LCD lights give me migraines and are almost too bright. so we replaced them with traditional filament micro lights - pretty. The children kidnapped the remaining lights so our house somewhat resembles a golden glowing grotto now- its pretty though.

DS got into trouble for not turning up to lessons but managed to show the college up by getting a B in his Mocks in the course he never attends so has left him feeling smug and also more reluctant then ever to make an effort. Oh the joys of bright aspie children.


So Im starting to feel tired now at last. I'll leave you with osme pictures of our Christmas Deccies, Nature table and also a picture of  this years Advent calendar printables from Activity Village that we've done so far.

Interesting Developments and other things

 A couple weeks ago I was struggling and at my wits end (again). A couple weeks on and things are changing in a good way - its those little changes that mount up to big ones!
Lucas was feeding constantly, I mean he was just driving me mad. I saw this family with a new baby, the mom just finished (bottle)feeding her baby and then passed her over to the siblings who happily cradled the cooing baby and literally I burst into tears. Why didn't I get one of those children? God, what are you playing at? Its not fair! (I know, whine, whine, whine!). All my baby ever does is cry, poo and feed, gah! But I took a look at him and he had changed after all. Suddenly he has learnt to roll over from front to back. Of course he now spends a fair amount of time head butting floor, lol, but that's ok. He likes to sit too, though needs to be held for stability still, but he can pick things up and put them in his mouth. And he can reach and grasp things held above his head. Its fabulous. He spends less time crying and more time 'talking' to us in his cute little way. On top of that in the last few days he has tried some food. We are going for the baby led weaning approach and he has already grabbed and gummed broccoli, cauliflower, carrot, sweet potatoes, parsnips, butternut squash, apple, banana, mango and (accidently) a bran flake, pasta and some rice. He loves it and was clearly ready for it even if he's not the recommended 6mth yet. Only thing we are finding is its not quick enough for his appetite so lots of frustration and tears; I think I am going to have to help the process with some spoon feeding. The slogan for baby led weaning is "The mush stops here" obviously someone forgot to tell Lucas as he mushes everything in his fingers before it even meets his mouth.
I finally got my hair cut too which, strangely, made a huge difference to how I felt about thinks. Who'd have thought it!! I grew my hair during the pregnancy but long hair just irritated me because its so thick, it was permanently greasy, and needed to be brushed and tied up. Now I have my usual shorter style which is lovely, low maintenance and clean!
Otherwise things have been pretty routine here. DH is doing a big job at some manor house near Dorchester which involves laying 5000+ edging bricks and it needs to be done before 6th Jan. The owner is a funny lady and wont have any work done on the place whilst she's in residence so its a tight schedule. It mean DH is doing longer hours than usual as it includes travelling so he leaves by 7am and doesn't get back much before 6 each night. Its not much fun really and I am haing to do a lot of the kids club runs which is hard work with a baby.
I haven't seen any friends during the week this week but did go to HEY on today. We are doing The Gruffalo play next week so the kids did another run through with scenery and costumes. I had a good time although its never easy to join in whilst Lucas needs me, although there are lots of offers of help. I did have a bit of a difficult time there this week as I had a situation that I didn't (still dont) know how to handle. Lucas was laying on a blanket for once, usually preferring to be held, and after being there a few minutes he began to be a bit 'shouty' in his usual way. He was talking and being heard, and was probably around 5-7 minutes from a strop, but was fine. I was talking to a new lady but had one ear on him and knew he was fine. However another parent came in and without asking she picked him up saying to him "oh your getting fractious lets go for a walk" and off she went. Well I was stunned to silence really and she was gone with him before I could react and I did get him back after about 10 minutes but I was not very happy. She is an AP parent and does love babies. She fed her children until they were quite old, never tells them no and never makes them do anything they dont want too, she also wishes she could have had more - not really relevant but it kind of is. She seeks out babies and is almost clingy with them.  Maybe Im over reacting but I did not like how she was with Lucas at all. Anyway, so I didn't say anything and I dont know how to or what I'd say, but I am really not looking forward to next week :/
So the coming week is a busy one with appointments, courses, clubs and groups, DH away for long hours all week and lots to do.  However it is pushing me back to a normality of sorts and helping to remind me of things I used to be very capable of doing before Lucas came to us.

Advent

It appears that the festive season is upon us once more (Already!!!) It snuck up on us rather suddenly and Im not quite sure how. We were doing to do a craft a day this year for advent. - at least the little plan I had in my head said this was what we'd do. It doesn't seem likely somehow though; crafting and high maintenance babies do not seem to be a match made in heaven for me. *tries not to feel too jealous of AP/ baby-wearing mums who have content children AND time to do beautiful crafts*
Instead the best we can hope for this advent is an Advent Village from HERE. Some ceramic baubles, decorated candles and a Winter nature table. Anything else is a bonus which I will blog accordingly.